
Last night, I was quite troubled. I was thinking of my family-- how, when our bonds are starting to mend, they inadvertently, though unknowingly hurt me. I was thinking of my fears, my shortcomings. How I seemed to have too much on my plate for this semester-- PI 100, 2 writing-heavy electives, 2 performance heavy electives, and of course the beginnings of my thesis. I didn't even consider my dying love life last night.
I was scared. Quite scared. I didn't know if I could handle it all. I wanted to back out. Drop my subjects. I wanted to be a child again.
I had discussions with my mom and my bestfriend. They both agreed that what I wanted to do would cost me more than get me anything but my pride. My own mind and their thoughts combined were saying the same things, but my heart refused to agree. Pride kept on telling me that money was no object. Everything else said otherwise. It's tougher now that I could say that money was no object-- now that I could put my money where my mouth is, so-to-speak.
Those thoughts plagued me, weighed me down the whole day. I had retired to my room by 10pm, but at 11:30 I was still troubled. I could not sleep.
I talked to my dad then, and to God after. I asked them to clear my heart, clear my mind. To leave the memories that I could learn from, and take all others away. But I also said that should my heart and mind get too cluttered, take those lessons too for the while. I asked them not just to share the burden first, but if only for the night, to take it all. I told them that they'd allowed these all to happen, that they allowed me to get a schedule like this, to grow up in a family like I had, that they couldn't give me the full brunt of everything.
Now, call it exhaustion, call it desperation, call it what you will. But as I was thinking these stuff, despite my pitch black room and the pitch black house beyond that, a light seemed to grow in my eyes. Kind of like when you light a moist candle-- the flame slowly grows and brightens. That's the best I could describe it.
It was just in my eyes though. When I opened them, there was no source, not even my cellphones which we under my mattress just within my reach. Not even my bathroom light was on. I fell asleep in seconds feeling light and generally good.
Mom told me I woke up with a smile on my face today.
And what greeted me in the sky was a rainbow. Not on the horizon, but high up. Not quite curved, not quite straight. No real start, no real end. It kinda just hung there in the sky. It just hung there. Just hang on.