The recent question about whether I'm Filipino got me to thinking: am I a Filipino?

By blood, why, yes I am. At one point, we quite recently found out, my mom's family had a purely Chinese line. My Father's side is quite strongly Malay-- skin, build, et al.

My father's side is from Laguna-- Nagcarlan, San Pablo, Liliw. My mom's side, I've always thought of as from Bacolod, though my lolo has deep roots in La Union and Ilocos.

As for me-- I grew up the bunso and the kuya of the household. For 5 years or so, I was the youngest on our street; the baby of all. Then my little cousin, Kathleen came. I remember ill feelings then-- hello, dethroning the little prince? But now, we're close as can be.

My upbringing was very strange. We lived with my paternal grand parents. At home, it was totally Tagalog-centric, with very native undertones. Tradition reigned supreme. For a while, I couldn't delineate family and friends and even helpers. Holidays were unbelievable. We'd celebrate days on end because one night was never enough to accommodate all the relations. My grand parents being somewhat respected and my family being one of the first in the village, we had dibbs and special participation during fiestas and Christmas. I was also heavily immersed in religious and social traditions-- hello abay in sagala.

On my mom's side, it was different. It was geographically distant, but they welcomed me as much as I could allow myself to be welcomed. That's where I experienced eating lechon made from pig that we chose and watched bet slaughtered. I heard lots of stories of aswangs, too. At night, in the farm, I experienced living under the light of a Petromax or kerosene lamp-- which, when it ran out also signaled sleeping time. I also experienced walking through fields and dikes, and watching fireflies in the dark.

My "social" life was radically different. It was very westernized. I grew up in an exclusive school that we we could hardly afford. I barely felt like I fit in. But, bygod did I learn a lot. That experience defined how my mind would and could cope with many oppressive situations.

Come to think of it, my life is a crazy mix of polar opposites. Westernized and totally modern. A matriarchal family set up and an all-boys school education. Exclusive school but very maka-masa upbringing. Dude, I'm like a human chopsuey.

It's funny now. I sometimes speak all conyo-ish, but I can translate and understand such deep Filipino words. I can barely get through commuting and going around suburbs, but I can do Balagtasan. I can kill a a pig AND ride a horse. and catch fish. hahaha I can set a formal table but still eat with my hands. I love tuyo, bagoong, and patis (even if I am allergic to them.)

These are all part of me. This is me. I dislike categorizing myself. Or speaking with finality regarding these things. Time flows, things change. So, I may still not know if I really am Filipino, but in all, this is who I am.